Cycles and preparing but not committing. 

So much waiting.  I have no control.  Can’t plan or predict.  Can’t move too far down any possible path.

What if… Or maybe…  What will we… How would we….

So I sit and wait.  Do little things.  Silly things. Time spending things.  Tiny steps down the possible paths.  Laying the bit of foundation that doesn’t cost too much or over commit to one path or another.

Day to day with no goals.  Just do your best with what you’ve got.  I guess.  Work on you.  Be the best me I can be.

Therapy, depression, anxiety.  Infertility.  Jobless.  Directionless.

All so existential.  Makes me start feeling guilty, not grateful. I am so fortunate to be here.  To have options and time.  Am I happy?  Not at this moment.  But generally I am ok.  I’m certainly not miserable.  I’m hopeful.  Fearful.  Tired.  Can’t get excited though.  That leads to disappointment.  And I am still not reliant.

Waiting.  Breathing.  Accepting?  Not over analyzing.  But those are what I do. I worry, I plan, I predict, I optimize, I do.

All I can do are the little safe things.  Eat better.  Drink less.  Except water.  More water.  Workout but not too strenuously.  Be active, but don’t spend too much money.