Cycles and preparing but not committing. 

So much waiting.  I have no control.  Can’t plan or predict.  Can’t move too far down any possible path.

What if… Or maybe…  What will we… How would we….

So I sit and wait.  Do little things.  Silly things. Time spending things.  Tiny steps down the possible paths.  Laying the bit of foundation that doesn’t cost too much or over commit to one path or another.

Day to day with no goals.  Just do your best with what you’ve got.  I guess.  Work on you.  Be the best me I can be.

Therapy, depression, anxiety.  Infertility.  Jobless.  Directionless.

All so existential.  Makes me start feeling guilty, not grateful. I am so fortunate to be here.  To have options and time.  Am I happy?  Not at this moment.  But generally I am ok.  I’m certainly not miserable.  I’m hopeful.  Fearful.  Tired.  Can’t get excited though.  That leads to disappointment.  And I am still not reliant.

Waiting.  Breathing.  Accepting?  Not over analyzing.  But those are what I do. I worry, I plan, I predict, I optimize, I do.

All I can do are the little safe things.  Eat better.  Drink less.  Except water.  More water.  Workout but not too strenuously.  Be active, but don’t spend too much money.

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Stress, Screaming and super people

Anything involving medical insurance is a nightmare.  I used to work in healthcare software.  It is a “system” that is completely non-standardized, committee-designed where money is made most easily by doing nothing.  Send the patient the bill.  The end.

But if you happen to magically find people who need/want to get paid and maybe actually care about your situation, magically, things can happen.  And fairly quickly even.

Going through IVF – again – after a year long break.  So many appointments and tests and referrals and more tests and results and labs and blood tests and medications and claims and authorizations.  And hope and fear and generally being powerless.

I am not good at powerless.  This whole process makes me feel like a victim.  Or a video game princess.  And somehow also the little jumping guy.

Yes that is the metaphor.  I have no idea why I have to collect a huge number of these things and avoid those things and take them all to this place over here.  Which actually just send me back somewhere else with half a set of the next thing I need to find or get someone to make.  I don’t know why I need that and no one I ask seems to be able to say more than “Do you have all the shiny things?  Come back when you have all of them.  The blood taking might be able to help you.”

WHAT?! who? where?

I don’t know.  I thought I was succeeding in my quest.  Had all my ducks in the proper rows.  And helpful little computer system – hopefully not one I helped build – tells them nope sorry you can have these needles and expensive drugs from us.  That you need to start using in less than 48 hours.

I break down, throw the controller at the screen and drive home in tears, screaming at the pretty scenic sun dappled trees until I can get somewhere with phone service.

Then I start calling and leaving messages.  I become the quest giver.  You will get me a pre auth and find a supplier or you don’t get all the shiny stuff you know you right there.  That is in my power.

You will put together the mysterious vials and get them to me before time runs out.  There is a bonus from that evil wizard if you do.  I give this quest to three pharmacies.

By screaming and crying and accepting that I am not the one who can or should be jumping through all the hoops, suddenly I have a horde of sprites calling each other and making the system work.  And then calling me back with updates of quest progress.

Maybe the princess will be in this castle.

Creativity and outlets

Letting creative energy flow.  Finding a conduit or an outlet.  Like electricity.  Energy.  Power.  Charge.  Building.  Storing.  Shock.

Flow.  Waves.  Water.  Pushing and pulling.  Dragging.  Drowning.

Where to push?  Where to gasp?  Where to hold on?

Where is safety?  Where dry?  Where is worthwhile?

Energy.  Leaking.  Dripping.  Oozing.  Where?  Where does it go?  Where should it go?  Let it out!  Use it!  WHERE?!?!

Creatures

Wandered the local zoo today.

Beautiful creatures.  Soft, wet, running and sleeping awesome animals.

And so many children.  Tiny infants carried close or left sleeping.  Running, shouting, chasing children.

Children with favorite animals.  Ones excited but incorrect.  “DOGGIE!” at the polar bear.

“Tiger! Tiger!” at the leopard.

Crying, running, laughing, pointing.

Amazing creatures.

Not all who wander are lost. But I think I am.

My therapist suggested I start blogging.  That I need a creative outlet, since I’m not painting these days.  And my other blog was one about painting and my artist career.  This stuff doesn’t go there.

I don’t even know where to start.

Words are not my friends.  They are imperfect tools for communicating ideas that are moving through my head so fast and furiously that I can’t nail them down long enough to find a word for some of them, much less the right word.

Some days might be a list.

Or a dream.  Which turns out are actually scenes from a movie I don’t remember seeing.

Or maybe a story.  Based on my experiences or completely made up.

I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t know what comes next.  But here I am.  In the moment, going with the flow.  Acknowledging and accepting the feelings and thoughts.

Will anyone care what I have to say?  Why do I care if others care?

Circles.  Wandering in circles.

Oh look! baby goats!